My husband has a problem

I’m sure every wife deals with it. My husband has a serious problem and I’m not quite sure how to handle or resolve it.

He farts, and bad!

I’m pretty much afraid to feed him anything that I know will set him off, including but not limited to eggs, garlic, beans, hummus, and even some veggies (broccoli in particular).

My daughter and I are at war, against the Fart Master and his spawn (yes, that would be my sweet innocent little 14 month old boy). My “baby” is learning to do the same, after seeing the reaction his father gets and the funny noises sissy and mommy make when they are essentially choking in fart air.

Funniest times/places for farting satisfaction:

During a business call-
It NEVER fails. I may as well lock myself in the room. Every.single.time. I am on the phone with business, here comes fart butt. He will cut the biggest, loudest fart right next to me. Im pretty sure the person on the other end of the phone thinks it is me! And of course, I cant help but laugh mid-sentence, which makes me sound like a total jumbled idiot with no language skills what so ever.
Fart master 1 Me 0

In the car-
I own a Chrysler Pacifica (meh) and of course, my 2 front windows are broken so they don’t roll down. What a perfect opportunity for farty mcfarterson to reaaaally get me, and get me good. I have no where to escape, no fresh air to save me. So he cuts them loose, and I swear they know exactly where my nose is. It’s like a punch in the face, and I can’t do anything to defend myself. Poor Mia sits right behind him. In my haze, I look back and see her desperately covering her little nose with her shirt. Andre on the other hand, will sit there with no change to his expression at all. It’s like he’s immune or something.
Fart Master 2 Mia/I 00

In the store-
Stand by wife. Fart loudly. Walk away.
Fart Master 1 Me 0

After a long day at work-
As we are chillin out on the couch watching the boob tube, the look of guilt is written all over his (handsome =] ) face. Before I can figure out why, it hits me. Literally. The fart cloud hits me. Sometimes I am able to escape, but most of the time it is too late.
Fart Master 1 Me 1 (upon escape, that is)

In bed-
As I am peacefully drifting off to sleep, I hear the dreaded blast. And then a giggle from my little girl who is out of reach (trader!!). AND THEN the fart fist punches me again in the face. Flatulent Freak is fanning his fart to my face (say that 3 times fast). But, alas! Protection!! I hide under the blanket (we do NOT share a blanket, I’m not settin myself up!)
He doesn’t DARE dutch oven me.
Finally… Fart Master 0 Me 10,000

Final Score:
Fart Master 5 Me 10,001

Because I always win

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